Harry Potter: Dead Again
by 123irish
Summary: Harry has died... AGAIN. Now see how he does when he returns with reinforcements and a full memory. Yes the usual suspects will be bashed (Albus, Molly, Ron and Ginny: I haven't figured out yet if Draco is redeemable at this point or not). So hold on to your hats kiddies and lets get this show on the road. As always, PLEASE read and review. Luna's in the story as well


A/N: Hello kiddies, just another Harry dies and returns story. I know it's been done, but I read one the other day and decided to see if I could do the subject any justice (I liked the one I read but read so much I barely remember who, Sorry), hope you all like it (I will not quit or put this story up for adoption)

HarryPotterismygodhahahaonlyjokingbutmagicisreallyreal

Harry awoke with a start, the last thing he remembered was facing Voldemort in the forest and allowing himself to be killed for "The Greater Good" thus saving not only those he was closest to but everyone else as well. Looking around, he noticed that not only was he no longer in the forest but he was also naked as the day he'd been born.

"Ahem", Harry spun to face the sound, pointing a nonexistent wand at a very well dressed woman holding a clipboard. "Believe me Mr. Potter, as nice as it is to see you like this once again (she arched an eyebrow and appraised Harry like a meat inspector, and checked off Grade "A" Prime). Now as you no doubt do not remember, my name is Mrs. Harris, and if you'll put that robe on I'll take you to Mr. Robinson's office as you're his 10:35 emergency appointment".

Harry, noticing the robe for the first time and putting it on, followed Mrs. Harris down a white corridor with plush red carpeting that seemed to appear around them. Passing many nondescript doors, Mrs. Harris led him to the end of the hallway to a door with a gold nameplate reading "Mr. Robinson: Potter Account Manager: Death Division" on it.

A quick knock and "Come in", and Harry was sitting in a richly appointed office across from a man dressed in the finest Ermenegildo Zegna suit money could buy. Mr. Robinson was tall (205 cm and about 17 stone), his hair was a perfect spiked Caesar, and his hands, which were holding a leather portfolio with Harry's name engraved on it, seemed to have had a manicure very recently. The suit, itself, was black almost to the point of absorbing the surrounding light. It was offset with a blood red shirt, open at the collar, with what looked like gold "Deaths-Head" cuff links, and a large, gold "Deaths-Head" signet ring on his left hand pinkie finger.

Placing the portfolio on the desk between them Mr Robinson began, "Now Mr. Potter, before we get to the meat of why you're here, could you please explain to me your reasons for doing something so incredibly stupid as to put your immortal soul (not to mention my job) at risk"? This was all said with just the barest hint of ice just below the surface of the words, "I mean, I thought we had this worked out after number Twenty-eight, but I see somehow one of us (Harry got the impression that it had been him) was not fully paying attention during our last meeting".

Harry finally found his voice and as Mr. Robinson paused Harry spoke, "Now just one moment, I did the only thing I could do to save my friends and the rest of Britain's Wizardry population! Are you telling me that after seeing Snapes memories and what he and Dumbledore found out that I had a choice as to what was going to happen to me and everyone else? Honestly, you weren't there, you have no idea the torment that choice caused me, you..."

Harry was cut off as Mr. Robinson slammed his hands onto the surface of his desk leaving two visible hand prints indented in the surface. "Enough Mr. Potter, you and I know that the Magical People of Great Britain are Sheeple and in the end all you did was "bah" and follow along with what you were told". In a lighter voice he continued, "In the interest of speeding this up slightly I'm going to ask you to call me Franklin and to please hold any and all questions until I have gone over your oh so many deaths and the plan that has been approved to get you to your goal".

"Now, may I call you Harry"?, at a nod from Harry, Franklin continued, "Harry, at age four your Aunt had you cook breakfast for the family for the first time. This caused a grease fire and you were the only casualty as they never told the fire department that you were even in the house. At nine your cousin Dudley pushed you in front of a bus, no one came to identify or collect your body. At eleven your Uncle drowned you on the way to the island after you received your Hogwarts letter, and thankfully that concludes your deaths at the hands of the Dursleys".

"In your first year at Hogwarts we have a total of four deaths. Ronald Weasley kills you twice, once by locking you in with a troll and another by playing the worst game of chess that has ever been seen on the planet. Prof. Snape kills you with a potion for breathing to loudly, and Dumbledore kills you when you recover the Stone and explain how you want to give it back to the Flamels".

"Second and third years,surprisingly only one death per year. Swallowed by a giant, poisonous, turn you to stone just by looking at you, SNAKE: and in third year got your soul sucked out by a dementor. While that didn't kill you, you were in the middle of a Quidditch game when you fell off your broom and the sudden stop on the Quidditch field from over three hundred feet in the air most certainly did".

"Now the stupid Tri-Wizard Tourney, three times by dragon (eaten, burned to ash and squished under the beasts foot). Task two: drowns, you think you would have mentioned to someone that you couldn't swim. The third task you were killed by a giant spider and again by the returned Lord Voldemort. "That brings it up to fifteen so far and now they begin to get interesting".

"You and your cousin get your souls sucked out by Dementors, and as your seen wandering Little Surrey as nothing more than a drooling mindless meat suit the police think your a Zombie and shoot you (again, nobody steps forward to identify or claim you). Molly Weasley kills you at #12 with an overdose of love potion, Fudge finds you guilty and sentences you to Azkaban where the fellow prisoners kill you for their Master. You bleed to death in Umbridge's office from the Blood Quill, Ginevra Weasley poisons you with another love potion from Molly Weasley and finally fifth year ends with your death by cruciatus curse again thanks to Umbridge".

"AHH, sixth year, Ronald kills you for finally beating him at chess and he and Ginevra kill you and Miss Granger making it look like a murder/suicide (because you seemed to be getting a little too friendly with the girl). Ron strikes two more times, when you don't share your potions book with him, then beats you to death using tainted chocolates as the excuse (he never ate any of the chocolates, just smeared it on his face and hands to make it look good. Finally Prof. Snape kills you as you chase him, Malfoy (Draco) and the rest of the Death Eaters off the school grounds at the end of the year".

"Seventh year was only slightly better as you were killed once by Ron at Bills wedding when you asked Hermione to dance, once by Ron as he let you drown before he recovered the sword from the pond and of course this last one in the forest. That's twenty-nine total Harry, one more premature death and I will not be able to afford any more Ermenegildo Zegna suits and I might have to downgrade my 2015 Ferrari LaFerrari to a (shudders) 2015 Porsche 918 Spyder (the business of Death pays very well it seems), not to mention what will happen to your soul. Just so you know, your parents were nowhere near this much trouble, only three times for them to get it right".

" So know I'll tell you what should have happened, the short version of course. Your Godfather pulls you from the wreckage of your parents home and raises you, you meet your future wives (yes wives) on the Express that first year (they're that Hermione Jane Granger chick, Susan Amelia Bones, Daphne Anastassia Greengrass and Luna Serena Lovegood, (we're having Luna bumped forward to better protect the both of you). You'll need four wives as you'll be known as Lord Harry James Potter-Black-Gryffindor-Slytherin and will pick up the Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff titles through wives two and four (when they go to Gringotts for an inheritance test), you will not need extra wives for those titles only extra children".

"Hermione being Mundane born is the only one not under a current betrothal contract. Susan Bones-Hufflrpuff, Daphne Greengrass and Luna Lovegood-Ravenclaw have all known about the contracts since they were eight. Having a wife from each House should also have the added effect of uniting the Hogwarts Houses sooner. You and Neville, that reminds me, befriend Longbottom earlier, where a Potter goes a Longbottom watches his back and vise-versa, team up with George and Fred Weasley to become the next generation Marauders. Find a way to break his wand as that's the only way to get him a new one and start to build his confidence making him a true ally".

"Each wife has a specialty, Hermione is your main researcher and will have Master level Transfiguration skills. Susan is your information source on anything to do with the Law and will be unmatched in Charms work. Daphne will teach you and Hermione how to interact in Pureblood society, politics and the Wizengomot, her Runes work is untouchable. Luna is the wild-card, she has limited Seer ability that causes her to seem flighty most of the time, however at any time if she tells you to do or not do something listen to her: she will be correct".

"The plan is to have you return to the year before your Hogwarts letter arrives, you know what needs to be done and with the help of your wives could have the whole thing wrapped up by Fourth year. Now on your Tenth Birthday the Dursleys will leave the house forgetting to lock you in the cupboard under the stairs. Since you'll have seven years of magical training already under your belt, simply apparate to the steps of Gringotts (your core is more than large enough to accommodate this strain) and ask to see the Potter Accounts Head. This will get the ball rolling and begin to make your life much smoother". As the phone on the desk begins to ring, Franklin looks at who's calling, then back at Harry, "Harry, this is my R.E.D. line I have to answer it, sorry".

"Hello... Yes, speaking, how can I be of service to you today Sir... Yes he's still here... Yes... Yes... I see... Yes Sir I can see where that would be most helpful Sir... Yes Sir, I'll tell him as soon as we're finished here Sir... Then Good-bye Sir and thank you for letting me know so quickly, it's never a bother Sir".

"Well Harry, it seems that things are always changing around you, R.E.D. has just informed me that your meet and greet with the future wives will happen on your tenth birthday when the five of you meet up at Gringotts. R.E.D. has decide to send all of you back with your memories intact, of course you'll all be given full occlumancy shields to prevent either Dumbledore or Snape from acquiring any of this information. Now is there anything you want to ask or know more about"?

Harry looked like a little kid that had just been told there was no Santa, Tooth Fairy, or Easter Bunny, he numbly nodded and began speaking. "Thanks for telling me this, I really had no clue as to who was a friend or foe. Do I still have a horcrux in me? Are the other Horcruxes still out there and do I still need to destroy them as well? Does Sirius still have to die? What am I going to do, I have three girls who are going to hate me because there are betrothal contracts that take away their choice of who to marry. Hermione is going to hate me because it looks like I'll have three wives through slavery, can't you let me stay dead, yeah I can stay dead and work here with you and Mrs. Harris. I bet that would be nice, can't I do that"?

Franklin was smiling and all his anger towards Harry disappeared as he realized Harry was more afraid of what four women might think or do to him then what Voldemort might be able to do to him. "No Harry, the piece of Voldemort that was in you was released when you let the Killing Curse hit you. It was one of the few times that the Whiskered Weiner actually got something right, your willingness to die gave everyone fighting against the Death Eaters the same basic protection that your mother gave you that Halloween night. Though if he had just gone to a competent curse breaker, the older Weasley perhaps, you could have had him removed years earlier".

"Yes, you still have to destroy the remaining Horcruxes, but now that you know what and where they are it should make for a much more simple job. Do it at your own pace and remember that you will now have the help of four of the smartest witches that Hogwarts has seen, quite possibly, the Founders themselves.

On to Sirius, the simple answer is ,no. He does not have to die and as soon as your parents will is read give all the evidence to Madame Bones and hopefully he'll be home by Christmas. He'll be a little out of it for about six months, Azkaban and the Dementors will do that to you, but after that he will be his normal off-beat self once again".

"The Girls shouldn't be that bad, you have to remember that three of them have known about it since they were eight. So if you add in when they're coming back from... seven plus two... yes, that's right... they will have known about the betrothals for nine years now. You'll still have to tell them why you never mentioned it to them while at Hogwarts, but they will now know that it wasn't your fault. The only one who might be difficult is Hermione, and since they'll all be given a similar talk to this one even that possibility is small".

"now if you have no more questions", Harry shakes his head no, "then I'll have you sign the standard "Return" papers and I;ll send you on your way". Franklin slid a stack of papers towards Harry each marked with at least one, most often two or three, spots to either sign or initial and date. As Harry just finishes signing and dating the last page Franklin gathers them together and embosses them as one using his signet ring.

"Everything's in order Harry, oh, something I forgot, every once in a either myself or Mrs. Harris will be dropping in to give you new information pertaining to you goals. It ill not be often, hopefully no more that once or twice a school year. As I was saying, everything is in order now, if you will please follow me I'll take to the Reinsertion Room and get you on your way".

Harry followed Franklin through his door and down the corridor to an elevator. Upon exiting the elevator Harry was led to a nondescript room, with only a chair in the middle. "Well Harry this is as far as I go, I leave you in the capable hands of Dr.'s Fine and Howard, they'll see to your return trip. Until we meet again Harry, Bonne chance et bon voyage (good luck and safe journey in French)".

The rather large, bald, doctor had Harry sit in the chair and put a blindfold on. After making sure it was secure, he waved to another doctor, this one with a large mop of hair on his head, who came at Harry at a dead run hitting him with the iron skillet he was carrying: sending Harry off to the Land of Nod. The last thing Harry would remember (before waking up back at #4 Privat Dr. the Cupboard Under the Stairs) would be seeing a shorter man, with a bowl cut, dragging the other two away with the claw end of a couple of hammers up their noses and saying something to the effect of "Oh, wise guys, huh"!

HarryPotterismygodhahahaonlyjokingbutmagicisreallyreal

A/N: The next chapter will be about the girls and how their parents respond to the return of their daughters. Oh, before I forget the first person to give me a good answer as to what R.E.D. stands for gets to be sorted into the house of their choice using whatever name they would like, same goes to the first person to tell me who Dr.'s fine and Howard are.


End file.
